Feeling disconnected? Uncover how ‘honne’, your hidden self in Japanese philosophy, comes alive in solitude, and why it might be key to fulfillment.
Every so often, something turns up unexpectedly in your day that changes your way of thinking. The other day, I came across a video on my Instagram feed by creator @ohnohanajo. A humble little video about a topic that has been on my mind a lot recently – solitude.
Hana Jo speaks about an old, supposedly Japanese quote that says each person has three faces: ‘the first face you show to the world, the second face you show to your close friends and your family, and the third face you never show anyone.’ This, according to Hana, is the truest reflection of the person you are, the person who exists when nobody else watches.
The Beauty in Solitude
Initially, I thought of this third, hidden face with a kind of sadness, because it was always destined to stay concealed. The idea felt lonely somehow. Upon reflection, however, I realized that perhaps this was in fact the beauty of it. It is untouchable, secret, just for us to nurture, grow, and love. This hidden, private, and true face needs solitude to survive. Like a little spider that only weaves its web when it is sure that the room is empty, we need solitude to connect with the truest versions of our souls.
Solitude vs. Loneliness: A Common Confusion
To be alone is not to be lonely. Loneliness is entirely different from solitude, although they are often used so interchangeably. Solitary time is often seen as a negative thing, a lack of social connection, but I think we’re seeing a shift in perspective. Whilst the pandemic was undoubtedly a challenging time for mental health, it forced us to reconsider solitude, it made us return to hobbies we had long forgotten, to sit with ourselves.
In recent years, we’ve seen a growing demand and hunger for literature and books on solitude. Nicola Slawson’s 2025 release Single: Living a Complete Life on Your Own Terms, Emma Gannon’s 2025 book Table For One, and Daniel Schreiber’s 2023 Alone: Reflections on Solitary Living are just some works that reflect the growing interest in solitude and self-discovery.
Solitude as Healing, Not Just Productivity
More than just an increase in demand for this literature, we have also seen another notable change. Before the pandemic, practicing solitude was sold as a means of productivity, of best using your time. Now, solitude is also a reaction against burnout, a step towards slower living, a method of healing. Robert Coplan, psychology professor and author of The Joy of Solitude: How to Reconnect With Yourself in an Overconnected World, expands on this further, posing that the confusion between loneliness and solitude meant the latter reaped, ‘a bit of a bad reputation – throwing the baby out with the bath water, so to speak.’
In moments of solitude, I find I can have the clearest of thoughts, not detained or influenced by social pressure or conformity. I am allowed to think, reflect, and grow. There is something to be said about our relationship with the self, about friendship, and empathy. Even the people who are closest to you will not understand you better than you understand yourself.
Honne and Tatemae: The Japanese Philosophy of the True Self
The Japanese philosophical concept of honne speaks of the ‘true sound’ of each person, our authentic thoughts, feelings, and desires that we show only to ourselves. Tatemae, inversely, is the face, or the sound, that we show to the rest of our world. Tatemae is what we express to society, our first face.
Exploring our third faces, our honne, undoubtedly requires solitude. We are the only people permitted to bear witness to our most authentic selves. This third face, our honne, our true self, is an idea that spans across cultures; it has remained vital to our understanding of human beings and ourselves.
Loneliness in a Post-Pandemic World
I remember hearing the term “loneliness epidemic” growing more and more prominent in public discourse following the pandemic. Loneliness was undeniably thrust into the forefront of social issues. We yearned for a connection that we weren’t allowed to have. However, I had to ask myself whether, before the pandemic, we had forgotten how exactly to be alone. It was seen as more of a social defect to spend your time without the company of others.
The data, however, makes a strong case against the constant need for connection. The bounty of romance novels, films, and love songs suggests that finding romantic love should be the purpose of our lives and the secret to our happiness.
Psychology professor Peter McGraw, however, says the message ‘that we need a partner to be fulfilled ‘ isn’t backed by data.’ McGraw explains that even if levels of happiness increase sharply around marriage, that spike is not necessarily maintained. There is no denying that humans need social interaction, but, as Coplan rather poignantly states, ‘It’s finding the right balance that is the key to happiness and wellbeing. Everyone has a different balance that’s going to work for them.’
Finding Balance Between Solitude and Connection
No one, myself included, is telling you to disregard your friends, cut off your partner, or commit to spending all your time alone. I think, like Hana and others like souls searching for deeper self-reflection, we need to remember the importance and value of solitude. The need for solitude, especially in the world we live in today. Perhaps it is time we asked ourselves: who are we, when no one is watching?
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Vincent Phan
Vincent is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of 1000 Libraries Magazine. He is a Paris-born ex-corporate turned bookseller and philosopher, on a global mission to spread the joy of physical books in our age of digital technology.
